"Did you ever love me?"

That was about to be the boldest question he has asked me. I was taken aback. I instantly grappled for a quick laugh, trying not to lose my composure. He did a good job of setting the mood taking us back to that familiar moment, again. I was confident, though, that I would maintain self-control, which I was always good at.

"That was a very long time ago..." I answered, in realization that he was serious in asking.

It was exactly this time of the year some eight years ago when I first felt a squeezing pain through my chest. Right. It was my eighteenth birthday. His presence was all that mattered then...




more...

Hello!!!
Sharing with you one of my favorite songs called "Something" by my favorite band, the Beatles. Click on the other related videos and you'll definitely enjoy them. Thanks!

For while the crows devour
and tear this flesh
They thirst for pale-grown
blood.
Embrace me.

Treacherous soldier of a god
decapitated a hundredth time
Kill me.

Bury me.

After my little sister gave me a task earlier to make her a speech which she will be delivering tomorrow in her Speech Class, here i am, wide awake at 1:30 in the morning, mouse pointing and clicking aimlessly at every website there is discussing even the slightest facts of the late Master FM. today, we lost the man, a great man.

His was a life whom young people like me would like to emulate. He has expressed and communicated his life through music and the arts. And more than that, i guess what inspired me the most was the relentless patriotism his works have evoked in us. his recent battle with AML has moved us and those suffering with the disease alike. His legend lives. Visit his site at http://francismagalona.multiply.com/

"BLESS THE MAN IF HIS HEART AND HIS LAND ARE ONE, THE THREE STARS AND A SUN"
-fm

Rest in Peace Sir Francis.

Ako na ang concerned, ako pa ang masama.

Eto lang ang tumatakbo sa isip ko habang tumatakbo rin ang lumang jeep sa kahabaan ng Taft Avenue pauwi kanina, hindi na napapansin ang maitim na usok na binubuga ng tambutsong kulay uling. Hindi naman kasalanan ng jeep, ako naman ang pumiling sumakay, naisip ko.

Tsk. Baka nga ako ang may kasalanan. Nadamay pa tuloy ako. Nasinghot ko rin tuloy ang maitim na usok. Pero concerned lang naman ako. Kasi kaibigan ako.

Ilang minuto at oras din. Mahirap magtrabaho nang walang imikan. Siguro nga kelangan magpalamig. Dala lang ng init ng parating na summer. Tandaan mo, kaibigan ako.

Pero kelangan ko muna lumabas, maghanap ng sariwang hangin. Nasabi na ang nasabi. Nakakasakit.

Paliliparin muna kita, konting distansya. Wag kang mag-alala, hawak ko parin ang lubid. Tatanawin pa rin kita, saranggola.



Ganito muna pansamantala.

Sa ibabaw ng mesa nakahain
panghimagas upang ako'y busugin
Ang bundat na tiyan tila gusto pang
malamnan ng matamis na mabolo,
atis kaya, papaya o mangga.



Wari ba'y nalimot na ng bundat
na tiyan na ito ang bigat na
dala-dala ng kahapon...

At parang matandang ulyanin
nilimot na agad, empachong
dulot at masamang hangin?
Kahapon lamang iyon.
Kaagad, gusto nang lumamon.

Mata'y kaagad napansin
ang hamis ng dilawin na
kutis ng bungang minsan ay
hugis puso o minsa'y
hulmang buwan.

Dila'y natulala, hindi makapagsalita
sa tamis ng dagta. Pikit-mata pang
nilasap mala-asukal na sarap,
Wina-walang bahala ang bulong ng
iilang uod na pausad-usad,
"Ang manggang 'yan ay huwad."

Hininog ito ng panahon at ng
eksperyensiya. Pinukol pa noon
ng madudungis na mga bata na walang
magawa, ang alam lamang ay mag-tatsing
sa kalsada.

Kapit sa sanga isang daliri ng mangga
nang sa takdang pagsibol ihahain,
panghimagas nang ako'y busugin.

Itinago sa kailaliman
Mala-sukang asim hanggang sa buto
Nilinlang ng hamis mong kutis
Disin sana'y nakinig sa iilang uod
na ngayo'y tinubuan ng bagwis.

Subalit ang tiyan na bundat ay
di marunong magsulat
Kung sa ikalawang beses dala ay bumigat,
Empacho ang aabutin, tiyak.
Ubos na ang mangga bago pa man makita.

About the Painting: "Still Life" by Nonoy Vivar
(Actual Size: 9"x12"; Medium: Watercolor)

Saan ka patungo,
ang walang humpay na pagpihit
mo ng sagwan na gawa sa kahoy?
Na animo'y nagmamakaawa na
Sa pagkakabitak na dala ng
bangis ng alon at ng panahon.



Tila hindi mo ito alintana.
Layunin mo lamang ang lumisan
sa baybayin kung saan nabigo.
Talukap mo lamang ang nakakaalam.

Saan ka na papunta?
Ang mga bagong sugat na hindi masukat
Mga latay sa likuran na humahapdi
habang ang sampal ng alon
ay hindi magpaawat sa paghampas
sa kahoy mong bangka.

Sa pagpalaot may paghikbi
ng lumuluhang langit.
Ngunit walang sinumang may alintana.

Saan ka ngayon tutungo?
Sukbit ang lamparang kerosin
na tangan kung saan man daluyin
ng alon at hangin sa dagat.

Huwag mong isigaw, ang tubig ay bingi.
Subalit sa bawat galaw ng sagwan
mararamdaman nito ang saliw.
Hintaying kumalma ang alon,
Subukang iaangat ang talukap
At isasalamin ng tubig ang iyong hanap.

Sa kabilang aplaya, ikaw ri'y
mamamahinga. Halikan mo ang dagat
pagka't dito isang araw, ika'y muling lalayag.
Gamit ang kahoy mong sagwan at bangka.


About the Photo: "Bangkang Di-Katig" by Marcial Bolen

May sakit na naman.
Pagpasok ko sa clinic ni Doc Del,
"Ikaw na naman?" ang sambulat nya.
Parang ayaw niya akong makita.
(Pangalawa na kasi ito.)
Ngumiti lang ako, umupo sa silya.
Sa isip ko, kung hindi lang naman
kelangan, e di sana hindi nalang
nagpunta sa clinic nito.

Sa berdeng silya, nilapat ko rin ang
pagod na katawan ko. Ang init. Nahihilo
parin ako. Naguluhan tuloy ako, baka ang clinic
niya ang umiikot sa paningin ko. 'Di bale.
Corteous pa rin ako. Ngiti lang.
Nagdadasal sa mga diyosa na pagbigyan
niya muli ang Sick Leave ko.
Nilakasan ko pa tuloy ang paghangos.

Imposibleng hindi niya ito makita.
Nag-uunahan sa paglabas ng butas ng
nasal cavity ang malagkit na mucus.
Sinabayan pa ng garalgal na pag-ubo na parang
paputok at parang gusto pang humabol sa
pagcelebrate ng Chinese New Year.
Nagkangiwi-ngiwi na nga ako sa pagpapa-nganga
nya sa akin. Hawak-hawak ang penlight

na parang maliit lang na flashlight, sabay
utos na ilabas itong dila. Malamang merong nakita.
Ano kaya? Sabay sulat sa Sick Leave form.
Winner ako! Inaprubahan niya. (Dapat lang naman.)
Makakapagpahinga na rin. Walang prescription.
Di naman yata seryoso. Acute lang naman daw.
Magseself-medicate din naman ako.
Ako pa, e nurse yata 'to.


Pt.: (Singing) Doctor, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: Staff In-fec-tion.

november 29 to december 2, 2008

memories in puerto princesa, palawan with friends - anj, o-an, dudz, chad, cheena, kuya louie, marcial, jasper and monet. ^^ featuring the St. Paul Subterranean River National Park, Sabang, Honda Bay, Luli Island, Snake Island, and other islands during island hopping. ^^

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

She was the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. Her china eyes, porcelain skin, her curls highlighted monthly with hair dye, her fondness in preparing me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Her unending enthusiasm while relaying to me the wonderful stories of her youth, her own tales of several "abat" she had encountered (which I always find amusing later, instead of feeling scared), her utter fondness with lottery games, her cheerful disposition despite all the not so ideal circumstances in life.

The list could go on and on. I thought of writing this in honor of her, to commemorate her life here with me and our family. But i couldn't stop crying. And i don't want to stop. I lost her. We all lost her. I was then compelled to believing that it was our Creator's plan to finally take her to a better place. For me to cope up. To heal. To understand. To stop crying.

I wish she could still see my eyes that looked a lot like hers, my skin as fair as hers, the curls she loved to see in my hair. I wish I could still serve her breakfast, lunch and dinner like she did to me. I wish I could still tell her how I am at work, then remind her of the achievements I've had when I was a student. I have always been happy in making her very very proud of me. I was always careful not to disappoint her. I wish I could see her smile again.

I wish I had the chance to tell Lola Celing how much i really loved her. Give her the tightest hug in the world as if telling her not to go away. I wish i could stop hating myself for being so far away from where she was when she died. For being away when she needed me, for being not able to finally say 'bye'.

I don't want to start being maudlin here. I just have a few things to share though. With these experiences do we realize how short time really is. And I resent figuring this out at the expense of the death of a loved one. Yeah, we know these things already. Maybe we were just too preoccupied to stop a while to kiss or hug a loved one. Maybe we were just too busy with things in our lives that don't really matter. But for whom and for what? And it is during these times we promise ourselves to do better after that because we don't want to hate ourselves again.

Celing Gamay (Little Celing, as I'm fondly called by cousins and uncles) will always miss her... It has been a year now. Seeing her pictures again brings in so much memories. I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight with the prayer that someday, we'll be seeing each other again.

Ever had a time when you were singing a song randomly but all the lyrics just didn't mean a thing, and a few years after that, you find yourself singing the same song again, and it all feels so different? And then you laugh and think, maybe Don Henley wrote this beautiful song because he knew, at one junction in your life, these will be the same words you will be speaking about. I just did.

The Eagles (Hell Freezes Over Concert)

january 12, 10:00pm
sta. cruz, laguna



one of my best buds in high school coming over to my house in sta. cruz after i texted her "Uuwi ako sta. cruz ngayon, punta ka."
"Galing ka pang work nyan?" Florida, when she saw me still in my uniform. "Emergency eh.."
Well, thanks florida for coming on such short notice! Looking forward to our batch reunion! :)

I went to the mall today to check what I could get for my chubby niece, Baby Miel, who is fourteen months old now. Yes, she's already a toddler (officially)! She hasn't lost her baby look, though. Yipee! I couldn't count how many times I told her mom, Gel, of how much excited I am of Baby Miel becoming a toddler already. Its just so amazing how she developed from having no voluntary control to being able to walk and speak. I just love seeing chubby toddlers run around the house, play around, bug everyone around! haha!

I have already warned myself, though, that the toddler years prove to be a difficult stage for their caretakers since their motor and psychosocial development increases, therefore safety and risk-taking strategies must be balanced at this stage.

I was thinking of the appropriate item to get for a toddler her age. Mama earlier suggested to get her a nice pair of earrings which bears her (Baby Miel's) birthstone and complement it with other accessories. Hmmmm. That's easy. That would do, and that will leave me from the agony of thinking of it by myself. But I couldn't just stick with her suggestion when the condition states appropriate. Sorry Ma. Hehe..

I'm already in the Department Store. Hmmm, but where to go?

In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, physiological needs are of the lowest level. Meaning, these must be met first. Therefore, these are the priority. Ok, ok. Everyone needs shoes. Right? So, I first went to the Children's Shoes Section. Ayos!

The salesman was kind enough to show me a couple of pairs of really cutey shoes, in different colors and designs. I was already eyeing on that cute pink Dora shoes thirty minutes after. But wait, I don't have her exact shoe size! Oh boy... I can't just buy that cutey pink Dora shoes with the salesman's constant "Pwede na yan Mam, standard size yan for 1-2 years old.." Sorry, I'm just not convinced. What if it didn't fit her? What if my niece is not of what you call 'standard'? She's a superbaby for crying out loud! Hehe...

Maybe Mama was right, I thought. So I went ahead to the Accessories Section. Hmmm... Ribbons, ties, headbands, necklace, earrings.. Oh boy, I just can't convince myself Baby Miel needs these now. Maybe when she gets older. Arrrgh. This is even harder than I thought.

The Toys' Section is not far from where I stood. Of course! Play is children's universal language! It was a light bulb moment for me. Haha! Play fosters the toddlers' psychosocial and cognitive developments. So it is very important to provide them suitable toys which are challenging enough to motivate but not so difficult that the toddler will fail.

If Infants' type of play is Solitary, Toddlers' is Parallel. It means that toddlers play alongside, but not with another. Cool!

After scanning the rest of the Toys' Section, my eyes were pinned on a pink box. And it's no ordinary box, it was a Music Box! And it was no ordinary music box. A Disney Princesses Music Box! Wooow! It was made just with the right specifications as I was looking for! Wooow! With Belle, Cinderella, and SNOWHITE on top of the box. Only, si Cinderella ang bida. Not Snowhite. Let me put into account that I played the role of Snowhite during our school play when I was in kindergarten. Since then, I have related myself with the character, or the character with myself. Haha! Plus, I have always been a lover of music boxes. I have a few of them still kept from my childhood.

"Para kanino, Mam?" the salesman was curious, prolly because I was smiling in amusement as I tried to play the music box, and rewinding it at least three times already.

"Para sa akin.." I smiled. Hahaha! I couldn't just put it off my face. I haven't changed a bit, I thought. It always makes me happy to see any Snowhite stuff or hear the lulling sound of a music box. It reminds me very well of my childhood. I have always kept the child in me, I guess. Or it just refuses to leave, which is a good thing. Boy I wanted to buy it for myself! Why not? I promise to buy myself the same as this one that I got for my superniece Baby Miel.

At last, I found it. Perhaps I could also hand down Baby Miel the magic spell of Snowhite, and the enchantment of the music box... These simple joys know no ages. ^^

Tune: So This is Love


Fairy Tales... ^_^

I feel accomplished today since I have done something which is intended not only for my personal gratification, but for one of my friends Tomas. He has since bugged me of doing him a favor of making a protrait for his special someone,Raiza. I know he will be surprised, at last I've made it out of my busy schedule.

For the first time, though, I drew/painted something as a favor for a friend. I hope they'll like it. The purpose of me posting this is because I'm tearing a page from my sketchpad to give to Tomas, which will be given to Raiza as a surprise (thereby, I will save a copy for my collection). Ooops, I hope I didn't spoil the surprise. I'm handing him this tomorrow. ^^

medium: charcoal




It made me think of having another website where I could post my sketches/ drawings/ paintings. Hmmm. Something like my own 'creative workspace'. Hope that would be sooner. Definitely, I'll be working on it this year. But for the meantime, I'll have them for myself first. Heheh.. ^^

Pop said it had been sitting atop my computer desk for three days already. How could I have ever been so unmindful now? I thought. I used to notice even the slightest changes on my computer table, the way the multi-colored folders, brown envelopes, and reams of bond papers and specialty papers have been arranged, or rearranged.

"Ok.." I slowly glanced at the direction of where my Pop's finger was pointing. I just got home from work, and I feel very tired I couldn't lift a finger.

"It's a package," he said.

I didn't wanna wait for another word from him, I quickly pulled myself up and I found myself heading to my computer desk, without letting him notice I was a bit jumpy about it. But from where or whom could it be? I wasn't expecting anything from anybody. At least not today.

A medium-sized brown envelope. I carefully inspected it. It was prudently sealed with a packaging tape. Across it bore my name and my address in script. The handwriting looked familiar.

I didn't know how I should feel at first. I was leaving out from a gate of a past, allowing myself to move forward onto this field called life. Maybe I was scared. But, no. I told myself. I have long convinced myself that I am brave enough to deal with things that may pull its strings to a past.

I opened the package and found several pages of carbon-copies in it. On the first page read that familiar handwriting:

...My dear, sharing with you two chapters from the book "Woman, Thou Art Loosed by TD Jakes. May his insights bless you...

And so I read the pages...

Chapter 12: The True Beauty of a Woman

Start Appreciating Yourself

...And while you are waiting on that person, start appreciating yourself. Remind yourself, "I am valuable to God. I am somebody. And I won't let another use me or abuse me or treat me like I'm nothing. Yes, I've been bent out of shape. But the Lord touched me and loosed me, and now I am glorifying God and I'm not going back to where I came from..." (p. 141)

Inwardly Adorned

...You need to recognize what God has put in you. When God made the woman, He didn't just decorate the outside. He decorated the inside of the woman. He put beauty in her spirit. (p. 142)

You Are Truly Beautiful

...God will send people into your life to appreciate your real beauty, your real essence... A man will come along and look in your eyes and see trust, peace, love and life... (p. 146)

You Are a Wonderful Piece of Artwork

...Let go of anger, hate, frustration and bitterness...

...Perhaps you feel scared by the past. Maybe you think you are unattractive and unworthy. Nothing could be more untrue. God painted a wonderful piece of artwork one day. That painting is you... (p.146)


That brought me a sigh of relief. I knew that the owner of that familiar handwriting intended nothing but love and care for me. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was happy. Was this surprise so timely, the subtitle read Healing the Wounds of the Past.

I thanked the person who sent me this. Let me share the same with you. Enclosed in a medium-sized envelope, allow it to stay on your computer desk too. If you have time, read it. For it may help bring such healing, too.

Holiday season's over. Officially. We can all go back to work now, to reality. To the school of life.

Though I didn't really have a holiday break, since my job requires me to attend to patients in odd times, still I had the chance to either meet up with some close buddies or have a chat with them online or through SMS, catching up on each other's lives, and hopefully, trying to make up lost times among us.

Our conversations would be of several encounters with anonymous patients (especially because my close buddies are medical doctors - Diane and Deo) to selling Shellsoft products (since Anj is into Marketing) and of course updating each other with the latest news from our other Biology blockmates.

I had also the chance to chat with former highschool classmates as well as college blockmates from both UP and EAC. Our conversations, at first seem to elate me so much as we were on our 'Who's Who' portion which to me was always fun. And then, exchange our holiday greeetings.

I really don't understand but, in all of these, our conversations would naturally just wind up into somebody, out of the blue, asking, "Kumusta na kayo?" (me and whom? bad!) or "Nagkaboyfriend ka na pala?!" (di cia updated, which is worse, since this means I had to tell my story from the top, which I won't. haha!) or "Balita ko wala na kayo, totoo ba?" or "Kumusta lovelife mo, may bago na ba?" (which to me is the worst question to deal with, haha agn!). I kept my mouth just shut.

I surmised, matters of the heart has this particular "thing" which interests many of us (friends my age, to say the least) during long chats. Is it because we had nothing left to talk about? Or we just wanted to ask those questions for the sake of asking? I guess not.

On Erik Erikson's Eight Stages of Psychosocial Developmental Theory, the life-stage virtue that MUST be acquired (by us, on our age) is capital l, o, v, e -which is the 6th stage. Unconsciously, in this stage we are seeking for intimacy lest isolation. In this stage do we establish intimate relationships in work, family, or be involved romantically. I said 'must' because Erikson pointed out that its successful resolution will then allow us to be ready for the next life-stage, that is Generativity vs. Stagnation (which is the Mid-Life crisis). That justifies it. Thanks to Mr. Erikson.

"So, kumusta nga lovelife mo?".

None. Nothing, I replied.

Not that I'm annoyed, not that I did't wanna talk about it. I have contemplated about understanding the universe, wisdom, life and love - by myself, by reading books, and opening myself to experience, to anonimity. And this subject alone cannot be explained overnight. Touching it is as sacred as searching one's soul.

"Ako rin, wala na kami... Uso pala ngayon, no?", my friend casually said.

She's not the first person I've heard of saying that same phrase in the stretch of 2008. I'm giving you the stats. Among the circle friends that I have right now, 80 per cent of them is single or had been single the past year alone.

We can ask Mr. Erikson, and he'd say this. And I quote, 'Intimacy' and 'Isolation' must be understood and embraced, in order for realistic 'love' to emerge as a viable solution at the sixth stage, and quote.

How then can one embrace isolation? Loneliness is the greatest torture that humankind has ever invented. Then Erikson would say, "Only when both extremes in a life-stage challenge are understood and accepted as both required and useful, can the optimal virtue for that stage surface."

Ok then, I rest my case. Lesson noted. So here we all are. "Alone again, naturally," I wittingly remarked.